Your process for choosing what is important

The next time you make yourself a cup of coffee I want you to think about one thing: the filter.

Whether you make your coffee using a Keurig machine or you brew several cups at a time, the filter is the part of the process that ensures a smooth cup free of pesky grounds.

When you have no filter, you either skip your morning caffeine or you improvise with some lifehack trick. Inevitably, some grounds slip, and you end up with a cup of sand coffee.

Being able to say “no” is a lot like setting up your filter system. A good filter can produce both a quality cup of coffee and meaningful work.

What is your filter process?

Priorities: Does this request support or prohibit my priorities?

Personal: How well do I know this person?

Passion: Does this request give or take away my energy?

So, what can cause our filter systems to break down?

We stop listening to ourselves and become deaf to what’s important. This deafness comes in many forms.

Duty: “I should … “

Everyone Pleaser: “I want them to like me.”

Authority: “I can’t say no to my boss.”

Fear of Loss: “I don’t want to lose respect.”

Refusals can be particularly difficult in the workplace, but being able to communicate with your boss is crucial.  Overcommitting leads to being overworked. Being overworked leads to being underutilized and feelings of underperformance. The Wall Street Journal suggests that being unable to say no simply means we are fulfilling everyone else’s agenda to the detriment of our own.

Before you can say “no” you have to identify what is holding you back and write it down. Awareness is the first step in changing our, often automatic, behavior.

What is holding you back from saying no?

After you identify what’s holding you back, the next step is practicing it. Start small with an email or text request and work yourself up to a conversation.

Here is a three-part process:

  1. Acknowledge: Thank you for your invite. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for your offer. I appreciate you coming to me.
  2. Say No: At this time, I’m unable to meet your request. – You choose whether you want to provide a reason or not.
  3. Encouragement: I wish you the best of success. Good luck with …

Here is a sample text message:

Dear Tom,

Thank you for inviting me to assist you on the XYZ project.

I’m honored that you thought of me.

At this time, I am going to pass.

I wish you much success.

Eric

That may be too brief for some people and that’s ok.

Saying no is about developing your own filter and finding your voice to communicate your decision.

by Eric Papp

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